It's a Give and Take

Update on my sleeping: I had a revelation the other day. Wait for it....I feel awake!

Yay, I don't get exhausted randomly and often throughout the day. I don't think "if only I had a soft pillow right now..." anymore. I don't fall asleep during staff meetings. I have a memory again! I feel alert most of the time. I think I'm normal feeling now.

I went to see my specialist on Thursday 2 weeks ago. He doubled my dosage because, although I have been feeling better, I continue to have hallucinations, sleep walking and sleep talking. The clonazapam is supposed to shut my brain's door at night so my body will stay still while my brain is actively prancing around without my body's knowledge. Since that wasn't happening, he doubled my dosage and said "Let's see!"

Well, it worked. It worked too well. Not only did I not wake up, or move, or talk or anything strange at night, but I couldn't get up to my alarm clock either! Me! Not waking up on time! What!?! That meant, the 5am wake up call for the gym turned into a 6am wake up call to get up to go to work which resulted in me hitting the snooze button 2-3 times and then I would have to scurry to get ready for work!

Before this, the snooze button was a useless button to me. Who uses snooze button, I always thought. Why prolong the inevitable. Just get out of bed and set your alarm for when you actually need to get up. Not only was I using the snooze button, but I was actually going right back to sleep in seconds. I tried taking the pills earlier in the night but the same thing kept happening. Once I was up it was ok, but getting up was so hard.

I reduced my dosage back down to half. I guess I'm just going to have some night time happenings but it doesn't matter because, overall, I have had a significant improvement in the daytime. Don't get me wrong, I still want to go to bed around 9pm, but I'm ok almost all day long. I have days where I'm tired, but it's more physical tired or mental exhaustion from work - not this unknown force that was pressing down on me that I couldn't get out from under it.

So, I will merrily go along now feeling better with the medication. Except, there's the "take" part. I don't have desire for food anymore. At first, I thought "This is awesome!" thinking I wouldn't overeat and feel bad anymore. I would just eat healthy and be fine. But then I started to realize, I don't care to eat anything which would mean I would skip a meal because nothing appealed to me, then I would get grumpy (as one would normally do when they didn't eat). It would be ok most days at work because I had a routine of eating but I didn't want dinner (it never was my favorite meal of the day). Me not wanting to eat meant not cooking for Bruce either. It also meant my stomach was grumbling around 8pm then I would finally eat but then I would not want to go to bed because I had just eaten. Also, I would rather just eat what was laying around rather than go through the effort of making food because it didn't matter what I ate since I don't care about food anyways! This means eating cookies and apple - balanced, right?

The other thing? I didn't realize how sad it would be to lose the enjoyment of food. I still know if it tastes good, I just don't have desire for it. I don't really care to try things anymore. I do it out of habit or because I think "I used to like this" but it's just not there. Who knew losing enjoyment from food would be sad - like a friend moving - you don't realize how much you enjoyed the company until it was gone.

There's hope! Starting January I'm trying to use diet as a way of decreasing my symptoms. My doctor has been supportive of it and I want to see how it goes. I read about some people who had worse symptoms than me that had changed their lives with diet. I'm already a pretty healthy person so I hope it will still change mine as drastically as these other people so that I can have a normal pregnancy (that's the goal now, be normal without medication so I can have a baby without harming me or the baby with sudden sleep attacks). The diet sounds simple too:
1. no caffeine (check, I don't typically have caffeine in any of it's forms - coffee, tea, soda or chocolate - pat on the back for me!)
2. no sugar (Ok, this is harder. On the meds it's fairly easy since I don't care about food, but we're talking about getting off them and then having the self control not to binge on the lovely tasting morsels. I think I can. I think I can.)
3. eat meat only at breakfast and/or lunch (apparently, meat, being a protein, is an "alerting" food. It's best to eat it early when you want to feel awake and energized to complete your day)
4. avoid meat at night and, instead, choose complex carbs (easy, this is the way I like to eat anyways - NO MEAT. Sadly, this will mean every meal Bruce and I eat together will be different because he has to have a high protein, high calorie diet for his health. Go figure).

My doctor told me I have to be like a soldier. He's all for me trying anything that makes the symptoms lesson, but I have to have a strict routine. That's my chance. Get up and go to bed at the same time, even on weekends. Eat a healthy diet with the food spaced evenly throughout the day. Avoid stress (hehe) and exercise regularly. I can do this, right?

Costume Christmas Party!

Yay for Stephanie! She likes theme parties so we were invited to our first costume Christmas party this year. Bruce dressed as Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" and I was the Virgin Mary. Britt and Katie came with us. Katie didn't have a "costume" so she went as Donna Reed from "It's a Wonderful Life" and Britt was "Mrs. Claus."

Surprise! Des Turns 30

For the first time ever, Des and I are the same age. This is cause for celebration. It's not every year Des will turn 30 and I will be counting backwards so that I am 30 as well!

Des always gets a raw deal when she has her birthday because it's so close to Christmas. All through the years she has been given, by one person or another, a Birthdy/Xmas gift. That is lame. As an adult, Christmas parties monopolize friend's time. One year she had a Christmas party at her house on her birthday - but I don't think we even sang "Happy Birthday" to her.

She turns 30 finally - so we have to make up for all the years of her not getting proper birthday celebrations. We decided to throw a surprise party. This was difficult for a number of reasons:
1. I don't have the numbers for her friends
2. Although I can hack her email account, that doesn't mean she has email addresses for friends
3. Although I can hack her facebook account, that doesn't mean any of her friends have contact information.
4. Asking Mike is hard because Des likes to be by his side during times I'm available to talk
5. Honestly, I wasn't really sure who she would like to celebrate with.

Well, we muscled through the invitation part via evite and some sneaky maneuvers. Luckily, everyone was really good about not asking her questions about her birthday.

Des was trying to put together a birthday dinner, which was sad, and everyone kept shooting her down. I thought, she must be thinking that no one cares about her and her milestone birthday. I felt bad when I told her I didn't want to celebrate her party on Sunday due to a Gingerbread Contest I was going to. My mom kept saying she was too busy. Daddy, having just had knee surgery, was probably not feeling up to it but he said he'd do whatever. (Amazingly, he didn't spill the beans even on medication! This was not something I had even thought about since Des and Daddy don't talk on the phone much.)

Sad Des. Behind the scenes, Britt spent a day scanning old pictures, finding the number 1 song for each year she has been alive and putting them on CDs, I was creating a TV Sitcom trivia game and planning the food, mama was taking care of decorations, busy, busy, busy. Mike's job, of course, was to keep Des distracted so we could actually surprise her.

The day of the party, rumor was that Des knew something was up. I was cranky because we kept having Mike stall because Des's friends strolled in 45 minutes late to the SURPRISE PARTY! They finally made it and Des was genuinely surprised. Mike was able to distract Des by asking her to find something in the glove box so she didn't notice all her friend's cars on the side of the road as they came home.

"Mike Telling Bruce How Awesome He Was"

Yay! Success!

We played the game, listened to terrible and good music throughout the years and watched a slide show of Des's childhood pictures. Fun was had by all, I think. Des is 30. Amazing to think my little sister is that old when I'm actually somewhere around 26 or 27 years old. Funny, since I've always been a year older than her, but the world is mysterious.

Pacific Science Center Visit

Bruce and I took Ryan and Katie's boys (Ashton and Owen) to the Pacific Science Center this weekend because the Harry Potter exhibit was in town. It was a special event that you had to purchase timed tickets for because there are way too many Potter fanatics!

The PSC was soooo busy, it wasn't really as fun as it could have been. All the gadgets were being used by loads of people, there were lines, adults and children alike were being pushy. The boys were so well behaved and really wanted to try everything. They were patient and let us shush them into another exhibit to try and get away from the crowds.

The most fun was the butterfly and bug area. Apparently, not a lot of pushy adults want to hang out in this area. The PSC workers had roaches out of the cages that you could touch. At first, none of the boys wanted to touch it. Then Ryan got brave enough to put a finger on it so Ashton had to be brave and do it too. Owen, like me, decided there was no way he was touching that icky thing. After we came back through and on our way out, they wanted to see the roaches again! This time, Ashton bravely stepped up and held one. Blech! Not to be outdone, Ryan held one also. Now Owen decides to be a big boy and holds one too! He didn't hold it for very long and wouldn't take his eyes off of it, but he did it!

The exhibit for Harry Potter was pretty neat. They had the actual props from the movies and some information about them. It would have been a lot better it not for the pushy, rude, fanatical Potter fans that were really ruining it for the kids. When we began, Ryan and Ashton were trying to see the person telling us about the tour and to see the "sorting hat" that was used in the movie. When there was a gap, adults would plug it up so Ashton and Ryan couldn't see (we were the last to be let in in this group). Rude!

The woman asked if anyone wanted to be sorted and a girl up front was picked. She asked for a 2nd volunteer (adults were raising their hands even though she specifically said "child."). Ryan was on his tippy toes in the far back jumping up and down to just see and raise his hand and HE WAS PICKED!! Yay! He never gets picked for anything - even at the zoo shows which he'd seen hundreds of times! We were happy for him, but have no proof. It was a no picture zone!

Ryan was sorted into the Gryffindor house so he was really excited the rest of the weekend. Ashton and Owen weren't really familiar with the movies. Ashton didn't try to get sorted but talked with Ryan about the props as they passed them. Owen was done with the exhibit before it even started. It was kind of scary with darkness, fog and spooky sounds - not to mention the weirdos who were walking through the exhibit pushing little kids around.

Anywho, here's some of the pictures!

First Snow!

Wow! We got snow early this year...and bitter cold. Hello! Is it supposed to be 18 degrees around here? I don't think so! It wasn't even the cold and snow but a wind storm on top of it! Talk about starting winter (unofficially) with a bang.

I braved the snow Monday morning, maybe 1/2 an inch and no ice. I worked all day and watched the snow fall and saw 3 kids. I was so bored. Then during my last kid of the day, the snow apparently decided to dump with huge golf ball sized flakes. I kicked the kid out early and told his dad to drive safe home that I was outta there.

I actually liked driving home in the snow. I liked to hear the crunch, it was fresh and I couldn't feel the ice and I was essentially alone on River Road heading towards Tacoma. Everyone else was stuck in a line waiting because 512 and Meridian were crazy and no one could get up the hill. (Just another reason I don't live in South Hill). While in the valley I watched transformers blowing in the hills and lighting up the sky. It was spooky and beautiful at the same time. Then I got onto I-5.

I-5 was scary. There were people that were trying to drive quickly and merging in and out of lanes and tailgating. There were semis in the fast lane stopped to chain up because of the ice. There were cars on the side of the road filling up with gas. There were 3-4 4X4s in an accident together where one of them lost their canopy. It looked dangerous to have so many people standing on the side of the road with crazy drivers thinking they were invincible driving around. Sadly, minutes after I got off the freeway, a man was killed by another car after he got out of his car on the side of the road. So sad.

I was fine and almost home when, right off the exit, there was a sheet of ice. I was trying to stop slowly (I had a red light) and the cross traffic miraculously had a red light as well. My car wouldn't stop and started sliding down the hill on the ice just as the cross traffic light's turned green. I layed on the horn and slid my car carefully around the corner where there was traction to right my car and continue on. I was feeling pretty lucky that the light had taken so long to turn for them but I also felt like I was done driving and wanted to walk the rest of the way home. I continued on, though, since it was only about 19 degrees and blowing pretty hard. I was fine but shaken. I know I'm a weenie. I don't try to deny it.

It was hard to sleep that night because we were both up watching the news and talking to friends stuck in the traffic that was monopolizing the news. Our friends took 10 or more hours to get to their homes because Seattle was a virtual parking lot. Then a friend on facebook had fallen down the stairs and couldn't get to the phone so she had posted on facebook for someone to call 911. She and her daughter were home alone and her husband, who, ironically, works for 911, had just left for work. It took him hours to get to the hospital. They were really proud of Shannon, their daughter, who let the paramedics help dress her and rode in the ambulance with her mother. Her mother broke her femur and is stuck at home until her doctor in Seattle could make it in. After that, she'll have an ambulance take her to him in Seattle. The drama of the evening kept us up and worried and we didn't fall asleep until right before it became Tuesday.

All night the wind blew hard and our lights flickered a bit but stayed on. In the morning we looked and found lots of fresh snow, but we were amazed that there weren't branches all over our yard since the gusts were around 50 miles an hour and sounded like it was pounding our house.

Bruce shoveled and swept our driveway so we could get out. My dad had a surgery schduled for really early in the morning so we were up at 4am checking road conditions. He was stuck in Port Orchard without electricity and didn't know what the roads were like. They made it to the hospital around 6am and started surgery by 8am. We went to visit in the afternoon when the roads were clearer and he was out of surgery and recovery. He looked good, but complained of pain. I can't blame him. I think I would be miserable if my entire knee was just redone.

Other than that, we stayed in the house all day. The conditions around the area were so cold and so trecherous in some places, Bruce's work cancelled everything for the day. He got the week off! A second mini-honeymoon for us :)

It was a little staticy with the cold, dry air :)

Halloween

Happy Halloween!

It kind of just snuck up on us this year so we didn't really do much of anything for Halloween. Of course Ryan had his costume and we got some candy in case we happened to see a trick-or-treaters but we didn't really have anything else going on. Of course, I wouldn't take back this month for anything. It snuck up because of our wedding and honeymoon happening and I didn't want the fabulousness to end!

I couldn't just let the holiday get away from me, though, so I made sugar cookies in Halloween cut-outs and Cinnamon Monkey Bread just for the kookiness of it. Bruce helped me frost the cookies (and Ryan jumped in in the end) and they were the cutest things :) I made them cute and Bruce made them "scary."

Pictures to enjoy:

The Honeymoom

I heart Aruba. We flew out on an overnight flight on Thursday, 10/14, and made it to Miami the next morning where we had a 5 hour layover. The flight to Miami was interesting because there was a medical emergency in the middle of the night. Luckily there were nurses and doctors on the plane and the staff was professional and calm, so we didn't get too worried. We made it to the gate on time without the person having real difficulty so we were happy for the passenger, as well as for us.

While in Miami we discovered that it was possible we wouldn't be getting on the plane at all at that time. Luckily, 3 people gave up their seats and were assigned aisle seats across from each other. We didn't get to cuddle, but at least we were next to each other and on our way to Aruba.

When we first saw Aruba from the air it took my breath away. It was exactly what the pictures showed. Beautiful white sand and turquoise and blue water. It was 3pm when we arrived so it was pretty hot. Our room wasn't ready and we had to eat a late lunch at the time share, La Cabana, while we waited for it to be cleaned. Mind you, we were still dressed for Seattle weather in jeans and tennis shoes so we were HOT. Also, we hadn't slept since neither of us sleeps well in less than ideal environments, not to mention the medical emergency in the middle of the night. So we were a little cranky too (but not to each other :).

When we got our room we changed and went out to the beach. It was stunning. Huge amounts of white sand, clear water, cabanas for the shade. We got cabana number 10, Bruce's favorite, of course and we hopped in the water.

The honeymoon centered around the water. It was too hot in the sun so we basically sat in the pool or the ocean for hours (like hippos), snorkeled, went on a variety of boats and had fun on the waterslides. Snorkeling was my favorite. I was ok with fish, as long as I had a mask on and they weren't swarming me. Take the mask off and I was grossed out.

We did try to go shopping for gifts one day....that did not last long. We couldn't do it so we turned around and went back to the beach. This was after we went on a submarine excursion.


We had a lot of lovely and romantic dinners. We had them on the beach in the sand, on a private pier and in open-air restaurants all at sunset. We saw almost every beautiful sunset and even got a lightning show one night.

We swung off a rope into the water from a pirate ship in the evening following a snorkeling tour from a glass bottom boat:


One of our favorite days was when we went to De Palm Island - an all inclusive island with a water park, snorkeling, a sea trek, scuba diving, swimming and eating/drinking, of course.




Of course, we did more water activities but not a lot else. La Cabana had the best pool and had a slide, a water volleyball section, hot tubs and waterfalls. We spent a lot of time on the beach and at the pool. I could add more but I want to keep some things for just Bruce and I to share. Don't think dirty thoughts! I'm talking about the things we saw, said and did. It was the best time of our lives and we're ecstatic that we got to share the best time ever with each other.

Wedding Day

Yay! We finally did it. We got married after a 2 year, 2 month engagement. It was emotional for all of us, we had a lot of fun, but I'm glad it's done.

The day began, for me, around 5am when I bolted upright out of sleep thinking "we need lighters, pins, something old & something borrowed." I got out of bed to find the "something old" which would be a saint pin that was my Grandma Donna's which made it's way north after her death a few years back.I went back to bed to get some more "beauty rest" before the hoopla began.

When I did get up it was a rush to get everything ready and to my friend Stephanie's house where I would meet by friend, Shannin, to get ready. Stephanie was so nice - my sisters, my mom, Robert, Shannin and her hairdresser friend, Amy, and Shannin's daughter took over the house to do hair and make-up. I thought that 2 hours were enough to get ready, but I was running to the venue and got there exactly on time. The photographers and Bruce's parents were there when we showed up so we rushed to the bridal sweet to get started.

The "blur" that everyone talks about started there. I had no idea what was going on with everyone else and I was being directed by the photographer while Bruce was (I assumed) getting photographed as well. I wanted to have a sweet moment with Bruce before everything got too crazy. That didn't really happen since the craziness began as soon as I left my driveway, but I still needed a moment with him before seeing everyone else.

They staged "the moment" of course, but when I tapped him on the shoulder it was all over. We were crying and hugging and kissing and then the photographing began. We got to talk to each other under our breaths while we were being directed. Sometimes they suggested things like twirling and dipping but we were too overwhelmed for anything other than holding each other. This was the man I was going to marry in just an hour!

Photographs continued on with the bridal party, parents, both sides of the family. It seemed to go on forever. My cheeks hurt, my throat was dry, I just couldn't wait to get started. Everyone looked so good, the centerpieces were better than I could have imagined but I still just wanted to get down the aisle.

Walking down the aisle was a blur. Everything but what was immediately beside me was a blur. Bruce said it was the same with him. This didn't stop until we came home. I can't even recount all the things that happened that day because it was so emotional. Some bits are crystal clear but a lot is not. Bruce and I were crying when we said our vows to each other. I could barely talk when I said my vows to Ryan. He was crying, Bruce was crying, I was crying...what a bunch of babies.

Bruce and I ate food, but didn't taste it. We hadn't eaten all day but weren't hungry when we did sit down to eat because we were so worked up. (Both of us had been forgetting to eat for days because we were so busy getting the last minute things done). We greeted people but didn't really get a lot of time to talk to anyone but each other. Even then, I don't think we got a lot of time with each other.

The first dance was mortifying for both of us. We were discussing during the dance that we should have chosen a really short song because neither of us like a lot of attention on us. We cut the cake and it was delicious but then we barely had any. We were toasted by the bridal party, which made us tear up. We were both really moved by my dad's little speech in which he said that, as we grew up he always told us that "boys are bad" but that we've shown him that not all boys are bad and that Bruce was welcomed to the family. We still get teary eyed thinking about it. It really meant a lot to both of us because, well, boys ARE bad, but Bruce is good :)

I wish I could write a better blog about the day, but it is impossible to contain the emotions of the day into words. All the things people say to describe the day are right "swelling hearts" "it's all a blur" "it goes by so fast" "tears flowing" "butterflies in the stomach", but they are just words and phrases that try to capture the feeling but really can't because of the enormity of the feelings. We have beautiful photos to help us remember the day and bring back the memory of the feelings, but I can't imagine being able to have those feelings so collectively ever again. Bruce was right, I'm glad we didn't elope. I think that, although it was A LOT of work, it helped us really feel like we were making the big change in our lives, not just moving on.

I love that my family has officially increased in size. I love that I'm officially a step-mom to a really great kid. I'm excited to see what the future holds with us because, although I knew Bruce and I were going to be together for always, I feel better knowing that we vowed before others that we will be partners forever.

Rehearsal Dinner

After 2 days of running around like a chicken with my head cut off, we finally had the rehearsal dinner this evening. It was so chaotic having 20 people at the house but it's family and friends so it's ok, right?





We ate dinner and when I called everyone's attention, tears suddenly came to my eyes out of nowhere. What am I going to be like on Sunday if I can't just go over things with my family!?!

Finally we got down to business. We talked time lines, placement, cues, expectations, the works. After most people left cousin Jacquelin took over and started directing Des and Britt on how to walk down the aisle. She used martini glasses in lieu of bouquets:












We had the music, the bouquet Kristin made me from my wedding shower and the ladies (and my dad and Ryan, of course). Ryan and Allison were so cute together practicing their moves down the aisle.





We all had a sleep over because Bruce was having his bachelor party at Mike & Des's house. We watched movies, ate dessert, and played games.