There are so many thoughts floating through my head as I look at my baby app and see that there are only 5 days until my estimated due date. I can't believe that we're seriously in the final stretch. I knew this day would come but it still seemed to sneak up on me! How could that be?
One of my biggest concerns is that I'll be in mourning for what has been an enjoyable, precious pregnancy so much so that I won't actually enjoy "mommy-hood." Last week I was trying to embrace my "misery" by trying to feel miserable and pained enough to want her to come out but.... as soon as I felt a kick, even the ones that hurt, I was in love with being pregnant again. On a forum I was reading a mom was complaining she has had the blues with her 2 week old daughter because she misses being pregnant. Alas! That means my fears may actually become a reality (if it could happen to them, why not me?). I'm still trying and I think that by getting more prepared I will change my mind but I can't help but wish my mind would change faster!
I keep going back and forth since the baby dropped on Tuesday. I went from sitting on the floor in the nursery feeling overwhelmed by how much had to be done to waking up happy because my body and the baby were getting ready because nature is so much smarter & stronger than my thoughts. But, like I said, I'm back and forth (especially as I write this she has been making waves in my belly for at least an hour now and I LOVE it).
Quick story on baby dropping. Daddy picked me up from the place where I was getting my windsheild replaced. I saw him on the side of the road picking up a log, which I thought was strange, until I found out it was because he just took out a road sign and had to get it out of the road. Oh daddy, I know you think that the sign was in a bad spot, but if you just followed the "suggested" lines in the road that wouldn't happen. He drove me to lunch and it was a harrowing experience in which I said a few times "Why are you driving?!!" (as opposed to Erin or myself). As we were cutting in front of a line of cars I felt a weird sensation in my belly like the baby had curled even more into a ball low in my abdomin. I told daddy "Even the baby curled even more into the fetal position!" Daddy told me I looked different but I was just glad to be alive and I'm so huge I thought that's what he was referring to. When I got home later I kept telling Bruce, something IS different about me. I felt different and I looked different (from my perspective). I compared photos to last week but didn't really see any changes. I researched, I obsessed and I concluded, that the curling I felt was the baby dropping into position. Bruce thought it was in my head, I didn't really look different after all, but it's not. She definitly dropped. After telling this story to my co-worker, one of them suggested that I take a ride with daddy when I was ready to have this baby! Not a bad idea, actually.
I have been having more contractions that are painful and they come at random times in the day, whereas a few days ago it was only at night time. They aren't super painful, just enough to wake me up and to make me notice. They aren't regular at all either. I was reading that they are likely continued Braxton Hicks contractions but that they are a sign that my cervix is thinning and dilating. Yay! Who needs to be checked by a doctor/midwife when my body is giving me signs that it's doing its job? Although I am ready to have this baby (not exactly mentally ready but timing-wise it's ok if it happens), I don't think it'll happen until the 18th-22nd. I don't really know where I got these dates. Maybe because one of my ultrasounds suggested the 18th as a due date and we were all agreed that it was a good time. Maybe because if the baby "drops" 2-4 weeks before she's due that would mean the 22nd/23rd would be the time she came. The midwife said I'd be induced by the 26th if she didn't come naturally before then so they wouldn't let more than 2.5 weeks since her dropping just pass on by. We will see :)
Oddly enough, I'm totally unafraid of giving birth. Nothing about it scares me except needing an epidural (ick, something injected into my spine? It gives me the heeby jeebies). I have wonderful dreams that labor is easy and positive and, because it's my dream, Bruce is there with me to witness her arrival. As much as I say I may send him out because of his hospital phobia and how agitated he becomes when he can't fix something, I would really appreciate it if he could manage to the end. We'll see. I may be singing another tune when I actually go into labor, but as of right now there is no anxiety, fear or any other negative thoughts or feelings about it. Phew! That could be stressful.
So, I'm trying to think of positive things about having this little girl come home with us. A big one is that Bruce gets to finally experience this little person we created together. I've been so selfish getting to know her so intimately that I guess it's about time for her daddy to have a turn. Together we get learn her personality, we get to see how she takes after each of us, who she'll look like, and all the quirky little things that will be all her own. I'll get to cuddle her, nourish her, help her grown and learn. I'll get to eat an extra 500 calories a day to keep my milk supply up :)
I guess I could also think of some of the things I won't miss about pregnancy, that could help. I will get to wear regular clothes again ~ I won't be limited to 6 outfits that just barely fit and aren't all that comfortable. I can sleep in any position I want without pain. I can get up off of chairs and off the floor with ease. I can wrangle toddlers without thinking about whether it will put me into early labor. Maybe my feet will stop hurting too. I can stop worrying that I might get hemorrhoids (tmi, but so far I've been lucky). I won't have swelling feet in the afternoon. Maybe my arms won't go numb in my sleep anymore. I don't have to worry about rare steaks, sushi, nitrates in bacon, soft cheeses, and I could have a drink now and again if I wanted. I should stop seeing stars when I get up off the floor too quickly, right? Oh, why is this list so much longer. I'm sure when the baby comes I'll have more things to add to the list of great things about being a mom to a newborn. I'm going to blame this feeling now as living in the moment and savoring everything!
Ok, my random ruminations are over....for now.
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