She's Here!

What an adventure the past week has been. I started having contractions on Sunday night (5/20). I had a dream that Grandma Donna was at my hospital bedside and she said "I'm ready!" so I thought for sure I was going to have a baby at any moment. I was pretty upset the next morning when the contractions just stopped. Later, on Monday night it started again. No sleep for 2 nights because it was mildly painful and I was waiting for them to get stronger. By Wednesday I was googling like a fiend...why hadn't my contractions gotten worse? I found that I'm one of the lucky ones that has prodromeal labor, aka "false labor." I was getting exhausted by these nightly happenings that didn't lead anywhere. My co-workers were commenting on how tired I looked and by lunch time I was ready for bed but kept plugging on getting more and more exhausted as the week progressed.

On Thursday I had a Non-stress Test, Ultrasound and Check up. The NST showed that I was having strong and regular contractions (no kidding) and they were so happy to see that saying I could have a baby any day. Of course I could, people! The ultrasound showed the baby had enough fluid and I had a grade 1 placenta, rich in nutrients and not in any trouble at all. The baby was quite cozy in there. The checkup showed I was dilated 1 cm and 50% effaced, exactly as I was one week before so nothing had changed even after all the contractions I had been having!

They decided to schedule an induction. Originally they wanted Tuesday and I agreed so it would give me some time to have her on my own. However, St. Joe's was re-carpeting Tuesday -Thursday so I couldn't wait. It had to be Saturday or Sunday. I chose Sunday to give the baby an extra day's chance at coming on her own. I started crying in the office at the thought of having to have an induction. Bruce doesn't want to have any more kids so I've wanted everything to be as perfect as I could imagine it and so far it had been. The thought of missing out on the final surprise (what time will she come, how will it happen, where will we be, what day will be her big day) was so saddening to me.

I continued to have contractions but didn't get excited when the continued throughout Friday. I had spent all week thinking, "This is it! It's the beginning!" only to be disappointed time and again. Friday I had the day off with Bruce. I was more exhausted than ever and the contractions felt a little stronger. I was laying in bed crying, letting Bruce know how I was feeling but not getting my hopes up. All day I did NOTHING but sit around reading, sleeping and feeling useless and exhausted. Des had offered to go on a walk with me and I finally took her up on it in the afternoon. I thought, if these are real contractions I may as well do something to help them along...after a quick nap. We walked all over in the heat and at Trader Joe's I started getting stronger contractions but nothing to stop me. We still walked to Safeway, to Des's to look at the paint, and back home for dinner.

I just finished dinner and Bruce and Ryan were finishing up theirs and a big one hit. I looked at them and saw that Ryan looked shocked and Bruce looked at me like he didn't know what to do. The contraction was big and painful and hit so suddenly that I was thrown off. I couldn't breath or talk to them so we started timing them. When I had a couple more of them about 10 minutes apart we started calling people to tell them to have their clothes ready, that we may be going to the hospital that night. We spent the next 5 or so hours counting my contractions and getting things ready. Close to midnight they were getting more intense and I felt like vomiting but there was no food to come up. By midnight I was calling the midwife and they sent me to the hospital. I think we hit every red light. It's still only 15 minutes away. We got checked in and apparently I was not happy ~ telling Bruce I'm so over it. I wanted her out. Now! They wheeled me to my room and it felt like it was sooooo far away in a really uncomfortable chair. They wanted to get me on the bed and check for dilation and that the baby was ok. I had some more choice words for poor Bruce (I don't exactly recall these things when I was in the middle of contractions, so I have to go off what he said). Much of the rest of the night was a blur.

I have never been so exhausted in my life. I was physically and emotionally taxed before this even started and continuing labor was not making it easier. So many times I said to Bruce I was going to HAVE to break down and get an epidural (something I really, really, really didn't want to do). I just felt like I couldn't take it any more physically or emotionally but from somewhere I would get a little extra strength to hold out. I was in and out of the bath tub alternating between that and the bed. I didn't walk around and do all the positions that I had practiced and heard were helpful in classes and saw people doing in the videos I watched.

I don't know if it was the exhaustion or not but I really felt like sometimes it was an out of body experience, I wasn't always there but then I'd have sudden periods of alertness. There were a lot of things that happened that I had no clue about but I have been told by others happened. I don't remember them monitoring me and the baby, I'll have weird memories of feeling like I was alone and that I was going to drown, I was told I pushed for 2 hours but it didn't feel that long to me, I felt people touching me but didn't recognize who was doing what. It's kind of crazy to think back to what I was doing and feeling and not really having a good sense of what happened. I know at some point in the bathtub they asked me if I wanted to have some pain management and I was going to go for the epidural but then they went through the options. I ended up having something to get me through the "transition phase"~  that was surreal feeling. I felt the contractions and their strength and how much it was hurting but it was like my brain was saying "Yes, it hurts, but it's ok. No worries." They were very conservative with this, thankfully, so it did wear off but helped me continue on without getting the epidural. I feel like if I had been rested then I would have been able to hold out longer but the whole week of draining any reserves I had made it too hard.

I was really against an epidural because it freaks me out to think that there's a needle in my spine. I also read things about the effects of an epidural and the experience before, during and after birth and I had just thought that if I was going to go through one labor I wanted it to be the way my body was supposed to do it. Why choose the easy route? I feel like people think I'm high and mighty and trying to be tough by choosing not to go that route but it was a personal choice in which I wanted the whole pregnancy and birthing experience as nature intended. I have nothing against it and if I knew I was going to have lots of babies I would probably consider that route in the future. Or not since I know I can do it and survive and there are other options because it's still gross to put a needle in your spine. 

When it was finally time to push I was on again. I felt alert and I have never tried so hard in my life. I would have gotten her out fairly quickly except she was trying to come out looking up. If you don't know, babies should have their chins tucked so that the soft parts can come out first- not the harder parts like she was trying. I kept hearing 2 more and she'll be out but she wouldn't come! Of course, later we knew why when they saw her eye brows. The midwife kept telling me to touch her head but I was too busy pulling my legs and bearing down to even think about doing that. She HAD TO COME OUT! I ended up breaking so many blood vessels in my face, neck and shoulders from pushing so hard. I didn't even know that was possible. Britt and Des said I was purple, they didn't think anyone could turn that color. I was pushing with everything I had from top to bottom.

When her head finally did come out the midwife said "Grab your baby!" so I looked down and pulled our out! I pulled my baby out of my body! It was amazing and slippery and I held her to me and told her I love her. I looked over at Bruce so happy that he made it through to the end to see his baby's first breath. He got to cut the cord, not that he would have asked to do it, but you don't say "no" to Bernie (the midwife). He got to be there with her while she was weighed, measured and had her reflexes checked. I was so happy that he did it since we all know hospitals and blood and everything makes him ill and likely to pass out. It was just like in my dreams where Bruce was seated by my side and I pulled the baby out! (Although in my dreams she was clean and smiling and everything was calm.)

Overall, from start to finish, my pregnancy is everything I could have hoped for and more. I got to feel baby kicks and hiccups and turns. I even enjoyed morning sickness, strange cravings and having no clothes that fit. I got to experience labor the way I wanted, as a surprise day & time and a natural childbirth. (Side note: a student nurse came to me and told me she cried when I was giving birth because it was the first natural childbirth she had seen and was so moved by it. Glad I could help her out.). Now I get to sit here everyday and just stare in amazement at this beautiful creature that Bruce and I created. I seriously don't read books, watch tv or get on the computer for more than a couple of minutes at a time because I can easily spend all day just looking at her, feeling her, holding her and, of course feeding and changing her. I love her so much it hurts and I'm so happy to have this time to be with her to see her changing little day by day.

Pictures to follow. I haven't really gotten to take any and Des and Britt haven't handed me over their pictures.